


We the People

by apairofscissors



Category: Paul Blart: Mall Cop (Movies), Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Clone Wars (2003) - All Media Types, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M, PTSD kinda, logan paul fandom, mavericks, paul blart mall cop tw//, vietnam war flashbacks :(((
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-05
Updated: 2021-01-08
Packaged: 2021-03-16 08:35:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28579092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apairofscissors/pseuds/apairofscissors
Summary: Logan Paul feels a connection to another man. After years of suppressing his sexuality, he realizes that internalized homophobia is not what the "vlog life" is all about. Its time to move on from little Jakey and onto a real man. Mr. George Washington might be the future he needs after his trauma at homosexual conversion camp.
Relationships: Elena Gilbert/Damon Salvatore, Jeon Jungkook/Kim Taehyung | V, Jeon Jungkook/Park Jimin, Logan Paul/George Washington, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 10
Kudos: 20





	1. despair in the corn fields

**Author's Note:**

> hiiii !! im pretty new to the paul blart fandom uwu but i hope everyone can fogive me for any discrepancies in the paul blart cinematic universe chronology <3 leave comments & kudos lovely readers !

Sweat beads down Logan's neck as he shovels dirt and corn. His fingers shake from the added weight of his vlog camera to the end of his plow.  
"All in the life of an evangelical Christian vlogger," he sings to himself.  
As he laments his tasks to himself, however, he can feel his special Mormon underwear begin to bunch up. A wetness plagues his backside and he feels brown shart dribble down his legs. This is the final straw. Logan grabs his blonde hair (cropped short from his time in the Vietnam war) and shrieks.  
"I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE!" he cries. 

"I AM A HOMOSEXUAL!!!!!" 

His chest heaves. His time at homosexual conversion camp flashes in front of his eyes. The cross burnings. The white hoods. Billboards with "White Power" stamped all over him. Of course, white in this situation refers to Gods light. Amen. 

"W-what did you just say?" 

Logan whips around. A head of blonde hair stands out among the ears of corn. Jake Paul. His brother, his twin, his partner in anal experimentation. Jake's eyes are wide in shock.

"Y-you said you were wearing socks? Y-you said 'no homo'! Were you lying to me?" His breath quickens. 

"J-Jake no! I mean... I was denying myself at the time and... I lied because I was in love with you!"

Jake huffs as tears begin to stream out of his eyes. 

"Dude... I trusted you! We're brothers! This is incest! I feel sick!" Jake says as he gags. Ironically, from experience, Logan knows Jake doesn't have a gag reflex. Logan reaches out for Jake's hand.  
"Dude. Please! We are brothers! Its only gay if we get married and there are numerous state laws unaffiliated with homosexuality that bars us from getting married!"

"No. You lied to me. You are a filthy homosexual! I should tell mom that conversion camp never worked." Jake spits his tobacco on the ground and snaps his suspenders. 

"This is goodbye, brother." 

Jake takes off through the corn fields. Logan shakes, sinking to his knees. Vietnam flashes through his head. This is worse than Vietnam.


	2. give me a siiiign (yeah) hit me baby one more time my lonelineess is killin me (and iiiii) i must confess i still believe (i still believe!) when im not with you i lose my mind give me a signnnnnnnnn hit me baby one more time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what up bitches ass eating scene right here lol its not incest if u have socks on

Logan watches Jake disappear through the gaps in the corn stalks. His fist clenches and he begins to run. 

"Jake! Come back!" He yells. 

He pins Jake to the barnside wall. He smells the pungent yet sweet aroma of cow manure and he takes a deep breath. It reminds him of birth. The placenta that used to be attached to him and is now hanging from a hook in the far side of his closet. 

"mmmm...placenta," says Logan, his nose buried in Jake's ear. 

He looks down at Jake, seeing the clouds of desire gathering in his blueberry otter pop colored eyes. 

"Logan.... please... eat my ass one more time," Jake pleads, overcome by his brother's proximity. Logan cages Jake in with both arms and leans in. 

"I will eat your ass Jake. For you and for our mother," He promises earnestly. He kisses Jake sloppily, his tongue buried so far in Jake's throat that he can feel it coming out of Jake's ass, tasting Jake's Calvin Klein boxer briefs from the other side. 

"I want to give you "brain" little brother," LOgan whispers. "Logang 4ever."

Jake nods and takes off his suspenders. His pants fall off almost immediately. His briefs are on backwards which makes the pee hole thing in the boxers situated exactly around his asshole, likely for the convenience of taking a shit without having to take off his underwear. 

"You are so smart Jake. I will probably also be wearing my boxers like this in the near future."

Jake nods. "It is just such a smart idea overall. I should probably patent this. Or maybe the author of this story should patent this because she is so smart and hot and cool and also humble."

"Yes, I completely agree Jake. I will eat your ass now," Logan says.

"Sure," says Jake eageryly. i dont know how to spee=ll eagrely. can u activate grammarly on ao3?

Logan licks Jake's ass through his boxers. Like through the hole. He sticks his tongue down Jake's butthole. 

"Did you have Chick-Fil_ay for lunch today? I can sort of feel the texture of the half digested chicken in there..." He tells Jake.

"Yeah, I buy from Chick-File-E because they are homophobic," Jake reminds Logan. 

Logan responds by swirling his tongue around in Jake's puckered poop hole. Jake groans like a herd of cattle. 

"Okay we are done now," says Logan. 

"Cool," says Jake. "I feel like this round of break-up sex was very conductive for our brotherly relationship!"

"I agree," says Logan, holding back tears. Breakup? Logan thinks to himself. I never wanted to break up!

Jake snaps his suspenders back on and offers Logan floss so he can get Jake's ass hairs out of his teeth. 

Jake walks away and Logan lets the tears flow from his eyes. 

"I guess it really is time to move on," he says out loud, putting his Mormon hat back on. He lets himself have some more conversion camp flashbacks before trudging back home, realizing he would probably never taste Jack's sweet sweet vlogger bussy again. He would never be able to move on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if u put erection cream on ur whole body, will u float?

**Author's Note:**

> Well! That was heartwrenching ;o; i promise we will meet george w. soon! hes a busy man you know :P


End file.
